In a bold move to make Britain’s pubs as exciting as a soggy tea bag, Labour has unveiled the “Banter Bouncer Bill,” a 300-page manifesto to regulate pub chatter across the UK. From Land’s End to John o’ Groats, landlords will soon be required to hire “Banter Bouncers” to patrol boozers, armed with clipboards and a government-issued “Offense-O-Meter” to detect problematic jokes about the weather, football, or—God forbid—Brexit.
The law, passed with enthusiastic Lib Dem support in a late-night Commons vote, mandates that any pun, quip, or cheeky remark deemed “potentially offensive” by a single barmaid must result in immediate ejection. Offenders face a £50 fine or, in severe cases, a lifetime ban from Wetherspoons. “We’re protecting the sacred British right to enjoy a pint in complete silence,” said a Labour spokesperson, adjusting their hi-vis “Fun Police” vest. “Banter is a gateway drug to hurt feelings, and we’re nipping it in the bud.”
The bill comes hot on the heels of revelations that Labour secretly funded £7bn to fly in 24,000 Afghan men to “monitor inappropriate pub selfies,” according to totally unverifiable sources we definitely didn’t make up. Pub-goers are livid. “I told my mate his new trainers looked like they were nicked from a skip, and next thing I know, I’m in a banter detention cell,” moaned Dave, a plumber from Hull. “They made me watch a three-hour seminar on ‘The Harmful Subtext of Complimenting a Mate’s Missus.’”
Meanwhile, Reform UK’s Nigel Farage has proposed a counter-bill to make racism legal again, arguing it’s “just banter, innit?” In a rare moment of unity, both Labour and Reform agree that Britain’s real enemy is a good chuckle over a warm ale. The Lib Dems, ever the voice of reason, suggested replacing banter with “supervised charades” to keep pubs “inclusive and fun-free.”
Pub landlords are already preparing. The Red Lion in Swindon has installed a “Banter Amnesty Box” where patrons can anonymously surrender offensive one-liners, like “It’s raining cats and dogs” or “United might actually win this year.” Early reports suggest the box is overflowing, mostly with complaints about the price of a pint.
As if Britain’s pubs weren’t already on their knees, with over 500 boozers shuttered last year alone—down from 14,000 in 2000 to a measly 39,000 today—the Banter Bouncer Bill could be the final nail in the coffin. Landlords warn that hiring clipboard-wielding buzzkills will bankrupt them faster than a £6.50 IPA. “I’ve got punters fleeing to vape shops for their banter fix,” sobbed Maureen, a publican from Leeds. “Soon we’ll all be boarded up, and the only place for a laugh will be a Zoom quiz night hosted by the council.” With rural pubs vanishing at twice the rate of urban ones, the Bill might turn Britain’s villages into silent wastelands where even the church bells are fined for “excessive jollity.”
As Britain braces for a banter-less future, one question remains: if you can’t take the mick in a pub, is it even Britain anymore? Share your best (legal) pub quips below before they’re outlawed forever.